I'm sure my blog title is an interesting one. A "christian swinger"?! Is that really possible??? That's what I've been asking myself a lot lately...
While my parents weren't "Bible thumpers", they ran a tight ship (at least with me). I feel I turned into a well-rounded, good-head-on-my-shoulders, woman of God on my own with no guidance from family. I have accepted Jesus into my heart, and He is my Lord and Savior. I truly believe in the power of prayer, and my Faith means everything to me. I am involved in my Church, and try to attend as frequently as possible (which hasn't been nearly as much as I would like here lately between the bad weather and my kids being sick all the time).
I met my husband nearly 12 years ago. He was my first boyfriend. He was my first kiss. He was my first everything. He considers himself a Christian as he believes in God, but that's about where that ends for his Faith. He was a very sexual person, very aware of his sexuality and desires. I, on the other hand, was the exact opposite. Very naive. Knew nothing about my body or my sexuality. We had originally talked about waiting until marriage for sex, but ended up caving nearly 2 years into our relationship (we got married after being together for 3 years). We decided no one was going to pat us on the back on our wedding day for having waited. That it truly just didn't matter to us because we loved each other deeply.
During the first 10 years of our relationship, I wasn't exactly a lovable person. Sex was a chore to me 99% of the time. We'd go stretches of 2-3 weeks at a time of not being intimate. I'd much rather curl up with my laptop on the other end of the couch than to even think about cuddling with him. Love, hugs, and any type of intimacy was not ever witnessed in my home as a kid. My parents were more like roommates than friends and lovers. So, that's all I knew.
It was June 2013, and we felt like we were at rock bottom. Both miserable. We talked, the word "separation" making its way into the conversation a few times. It really made me open my eyes. To look at the bigger picture. I loved him dearly and wanted to save my marriage. So, what was the problem?
It's hard to explain really what the exact problem was, or how it really came to have changed me so much. I decided to start trusting him 110%, letting go of all jealousies of everything. Knowing that regardless, I'm his whole world and he'll always come home to me every night.
It was more complex than that, but it's hard to put into words. All I can say is that it has changed everything about our marriage. I started opening up more, letting myself go, ignoring my low self-esteem, and working on my marriage. It was almost as if I had a "sexual awakening" and found myself enjoying the intimacy and act of sex. Connecting with my husband and giving myself to him.
Shortly after that, I got pregnant with our second child. My hormones were CRAZY and I was wanting sex all the time! During one particular love-making session, we were divulging our deep, dark fantasies. I confessed I'd love to see him with another woman. He was shocked and turned on all at the same time.
This eventually led to serious conversations about swinging. I started off being very skeptical, always thinking about the taboo side of it. How it would affect my morals and values. Would it cause me to go to Hell? But, I was also intrigued. The idea of going through with swinging was thrilling and interesting. It would certainly spice up our sex life! But I was so torn. What should I do?
This past summer, we got a date night and made a little trip a few hours away from home. We checked out a strip club (my first time at one ever). The strippers were very hands-on, and were giving us plenty of attention (we were the only customers there until we were almost ready to leave). We paid for a couples lap dance, and I surprised myself with how exciting it was watching the naked stripper all over my husband right next to me. It pretty much confirmed that I wanted to take the next step in pursuing the Lifestyle.
A few months later, we made our first visit to a swingers club. The whole night was SO much fun. It was a totally laid back atmosphere. We could be ourselves and not worry about offending anyone. No topic was off limits. We drank, danced, and laughed. We experienced quite a few things that night except for a full swap. But everything else was fun enough and again confirmed this is what we wanted to do.
But, again, there was the little nagging thought in the back of my mind: what does this do to my Christianity? Can I still be a Christian? I shouldn't have to choose one or the other, right? Never a clear-cut answer in this situation. Or maybe there is, and I'm in denial. I just don't know.
In the meantime, we met another couple through a swingers website we're members of. The couple reached out to us first, and we swapped phone numbers almost right away. They are local, live only 2-3 miles away from us. We were texting and set up a date to hang out within the first few days of chatting.
We went to the couples place on a weekend night. We drank some wine and played a card game. After we got comfortable with one another, and having a great time, the other wife asked if we were interested in going through with a full swap. We all agreed, so the card game turned into a strip card game. In no time at all, we were all naked. Then the card game turned into sexual favors. A short time later, we were having a full swap in their bed.
I had always given thought to if/when we would experience a full swap. Would I feel "dirty", like a slut or something? Would I feel guilty, having done something with another man that I've only ever done with my husband?
But, much to my surprise, I left there feeling happy. Like, it was no big deal that hanging out with wine and a card game led to me having sex with another man, and my husband had sex with another woman. Even since then (which was less than 2 weeks ago), I still feel the same. It wasn't a big deal. Just a great time. With the added benefit of that it also made me feel so insanely close to my husband. I didn't think I could feel closer to him, but it did. And I can't even explain why or how it made me feel like that.
Our communication has improved ten-fold ever since our chat in June 2013, but especially since we decided to enter the Lifestyle. There are absolutely no secrets between us. We hold nothing back from one another. And we're genuinely happy.
I'm so incredibly content with where I'm at in life. I love the idea of the Lifestyle, the new friends that we're going to meet along the way. The trust and love I have for my husband is something I can't even put into words.
We have agreed that we don't want to have sex with 50 other people. We want to keep it at a minimum as far as that goes.
All the while, I hold onto my Faith. It's my anchor. I make it a point to pray every morning as I'm leaving the house, and every night while I'm in the shower. Depending on what's going on during the day, I might whisper a prayer as I feel the need to. I'm proud to be a Christian, and try to live as a woman of God.
Obviously being in the Lifestyle, being "sexually impure", isn't the Christian way. But, I love God and I enjoy the Lifestyle.
I plan on using this blog to express my thoughts and feelings along the way, as we plan on seeking out more experiences and make new friends in the Lifestyle. As I try to juggle all of that with work, my family, and my religion.